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Ok guys..Help me out here. My husband and I just don't know what to do..

How do I start this? Ok, my Dad died 2 years ago, he had worked his butt off his entire life, and he left my mom very well off. My family has always been really close, but since my dad died my mom has become very clingy, almost irrational at times. Every weekend she likes my 8-yr-old son, Andrew, to spend the night. That's fine, it gives my husband and I freedom on the weekend, and Andrew loves going there, but she spends a lot of money on him. She takes him to the movies nearly every other weekend, and he comes home with new clothes and a new toy every time. My husband and I both have good jobs, and while we are by no means rich, we can provide these things without problem, and it makes me mad. You can't talk to her about it, because she starts to cry, then she won't talk to me for 3 days. It's ridiculous.

So now here is the biggie. She has decided she wants to take all of her grandkids (4) to California when school gets out. She is ready to get the tickets. My sister has already consented. Andrew is such a good kid, a terrific listener, and just overall well-behaved. My mom watches him very well, there is no question of care. I trust my mom 100% with him. I'm just scared. Plain and simple. I can't put my finger on it..He's never been on a plane, he's never been away from us for a week...I can't get any peace about this. I'm literally making myself sick thinking about it. My husband thinks he should go, but he will support me.

What would you guys do? I keep blowing my mom off, I know if I tell her no she'll be devastated. I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed. Am I just being overprotective? Advice, please~

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 8:17 am Subject:

It can be very scary, I know. When my kids were 9 and 5, I put them on a plane to Vermont to see my dad (he was still alive then). I cried all the way home from the airport. He was at the airport to meet them and they had a great time, but it was hard to let them go!

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 8:18 am Subject:

So am I being silly worrying about that damn plane?

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 8:26 am Subject:

It's really difficult to let go - my daughter is now 17 - but I have forced myself to let go on numerous occasions through the years. As long as you know, deep down, that your mother is completely trustworthy - that she will watch him closely, that it won't be a matter of her having too many kids with her to keep up with, that she is responsible, etc - then I say let him go. It will be a trip of a lifetime for him and give him some really special memories of grandma and his cousins. If he doesn't already have a cell phone, get a pay-as-you-go cell phone for him before he leaves so that he can call you any time he wants, or you can call him just to be sure he's OK. It will also ease your mind knowing that he has that phone in his pocket in case there is a problem.

My daughter is extremely bright - and has been in dual-enrollment in college for three years now - this coming year will be her fourth. So I have had to watch her head off to Duke University, Georgetown University, New College of Sarasota, etc for classes for several years. Your son will at least be with grandma - I had to put mine on a plane alone and depend on representatives from the various universities to be at the airport to pick her up and get her settled in the dorm rooms, etc.

As long as grandma is responsible and dependable, let him go and have fun. It will be difficult for you, but you will be glad you allowed him to go.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 8:33 am Subject:

I understand your fears. I would be the same way, especially with what has been happening in the world. My sister is overprotective as well. But she was able to let go of her fears last year and allow her son to visit his relatives for the WHOLE SUMMER in the Dominican. WOW. Couldn't believe she was able to do it but she did, and everything turned out fine, he was also able to have an experience of a life time that most kids could never say they did. Her biggest fear was the plane ride also, he was going on the plan by himself, but he was well cared for by the flight attendants. I personally am scared to death of planes, never been on one, I hope one day I have the courage to let go of that fear and go fly away somewhere and have a good time.

I say, you trust your mother, you know he will be in good hands, let him go and have a nice vacation. (Easier said than done I know).

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 8:52 am Subject:

First, as far as buying things that you can buy for him, I'm sure your mom realizes you and your husband can do the same. However, grandmothers have to buy their grandchildren something every time they see them. That's just being a grandparent. She may go overboard a little, but I'm sure she means no harm. Maybe you could tell her you appreciate all she buys for him and explain to her how it makes you feel, that you know that wasn't her intention.

I don't think it's silly to worry about the plane. You're a parent, after all. I do think, though, that if Andrew missed out on this, he might feel left out if the other grandkids are going. How long would they be gone? If you do decide to let him go, have him call when he gets to California so you won't worry and at least once a day just to talk so you don't miss him so much.

Whatever you do, just go with your maternal instinct. Whatever your gut feeling is is what I would go with. Good luck.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 9:36 am Subject:

Well I am not a parent yet, but if my mom wanted to take my son somewhere, it would be hard for me to let him go but at the same time I know he would be well cared for so I would probably let him go. But if you are going to spend the entire time worrying, perhaps you should go with that feeling...No sense in stressing yourself out right? Whatever you decide to do, it will be the best decision. YOu are the mom and from what I hear these things come naturally!

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 10:11 am Subject:

Sounds like your mom just hates an empty house. She also may have a tough time expressing her love other than through gifts.

Unless you have serious concerns that your mother is mistreating your kids, I would let them go and enjoy themselves. Think of it as time you and your husband have to reconnect while your children are safely with someone you trust.

A time will come when Andrew will leave to go to camp. Go out on a date. Go to college. When are you going to give him that first time away where you will know he will come back to you?

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 10:53 am Subject:

Fins, I really do understand your feelings very well. We(my daughter and I) let each 1 of the boys go on the road with my husband their grandfather in the big rig. My daughter and I both were complete nervous wrecks. They both got to have this opportunity when they reached age 10

But, you know even to this day they...and the oldest is 14 now they both talk about their trips continually. What they saw and how much they learned. And, most especially it was a very special bonding time for them with their grandfather.

So I think you have to really listen closely inside to your internal motherly instinct. However, try to do so as objectively as possible. Are you really having a sincere intuition? Or, are you simply afraid of the unknown and letting him go for such a distance for such a long while?

And no I do not think that you are over reacting....I think you are being a mother, and in that area worry never ceases even when they're in their mid 30's.

To this day when any of my kids fly I am still a nervous wreck. I think in the end you will make the right decision. You trust your mother, and, as stated above by so many, what a fabulous chance for him to be with his cousins and grandmother. It will be something he will remember for his entire life. And, just think how blessed he is to have a chance like this.

Good luck hun....let us know what you decide.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 11:59 am Subject:

Fins, I totally understand how you feel--and I do have to tell you I cried like a baby when my oldest one left our home in California and moved to Boston to go to Boston University by herself. This was a child who had never dealt with snow and never even worn a parka and entered BU in the coldest January on record in Boston!
It was the hardest thing I ever did to let her go--but it made her into the young woman she is today. She went from telling everyone "Quit staring at me damnit!!" when she was wearing her parka (I told her that they had never seen a Californian in one, lol), to graduating Magna Cum Laude last year.
I still wish she lived closer to me, but our kids have to follow their own dreams.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 12:01 pm Subject:

Fins -

When my daughter was 3-4 years old, my sister-in-law, who didn't have children at the time and doted on my daugther (helped that they were both redheads), wanted to take her on a trip from Virginia to Delaware to visit family.

I had a very hard time with it. I eventually let her go, because I knew my sis-in-law would take good care of her, but I worried the whole time, and there was no airplane involved. It all went well, but it's a mom thing, I guess.

My ex at one time considered flying the boys back and forth from Michigan to Virginia to see him for the summer - with no adult - just one of those "unaccompanied minor" flight thingies. My answer was..."are you INSANE!?!?" It'll never happen. I will never let my kids fly alone. Ever.

All in all, I'd say this is a judgement call. You obviously have a relative here that loves your kids dearly, and would do everything in her power to keep them safe. You have no power over the airline/airplane/flight situation, however. But what if she was driving them cross-country to California in a car?? From what the statistics say, they would be much more likely to have an auto accident than a problem with the plane. I know that's only a small comfort, but it's something to think about.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 12:16 pm Subject:

no i don't think you are being over protective it's just you being a parent and loving your child because if i gone away from my son for about two hours i get worried and i have to call to check on him and he's only 9 months. but i think you should let him go on the trip with your mother that will make her very happy.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 3:46 pm Subject:

Thanks guys, I knew you would all understand how I feel. I know he'll be ok, and I know it is an opportunity of a lifetime.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 3:59 pm Subject:

Fins - since your mom is so good to your sonyou know that he will be safe and it will be a memory that he will treasure for the rest of his life! I travelle with my grandmother to Detroit - on the train and on the bus many times over the years (a few times I dragged her with me for the trip - I was dating a boy from there)and I think about those wonderful trips with her quite often! And she always bought us kids things - in fact she bought my sisters and me our bras until the day she died and it took me forever to figure out what size I wore - but she knew.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 5:22 pm Subject:

So Fins, where in California are they going? If Northern, PM me and I can probably give some suggestions as to where they could go for fun. I know most of the cheap, safe places in the Bay Area for Kid fun and have been to many of them over the years, lol with my daughters.