It's taken a lot for me to even get to the point where I have to admit that I've accumulated debts that I simply will not be able to pay back with the resources I currently have access to. I am broke.
My debt has built up over a long time; about 10-12 years since I was a college student. It stands currently at 43,000. My family was never wealthy so a credit card helped me keep up with everything a student was expected to do at the time; I would have been embarrassed to not be able to because of money. I dutifully paid minimums and subsequently my limits increased. The thoughts of what I was doing weighed on me sometimes, but I thought of it as an investment toward the future which would, upon getting a good job, pay it off. As I reached the end of my college career I began to struggle a lot academically (which I tried to hide as well, out of shame), and told nobody. It was simply a bad year for me but since I sought no help I took it to mean that I had failed and in the end I simply wanted to get out.
When I finished college I took my first full time office job, a job I have kept for the past 9 years, and which pays me a negligible salary. I have been unable to ask for a raise simply out of fear and being the "nice employee" and have not sought advancement. I've wanted to go back to school since I began the job, but was afraid to due to fear of repeating my poor performance from my last year in college, in addition to not wanting to go through a loan process because my debts were mounting. I wanted to a) hide them and b) service them first, so instead I took classes here and there, paying for them with credit. Obviously it got me nowhere and nearly in despair as my debts mounted, I didn't know who to turn to, and still don't. Bored with my job eventually my spending became a distraction from what I really needed most which was to find work that truly challenged me, not to mention some support from someone who could offer me some sound advice and a much needed shot of courage.
Debt has never been discussed in my stoic family, but over time I know that my parents have struggled with it too and attempted to hide it for a long time. Money was not to be talked about and if anyone were to admit financial hardship it would all but amount to admitting to failure. I've reached my breaking point and am fed up with the self destructive pride that has kept all of us in bondage; it ends with me. These are banks who feed on ignorance and naivete and want nothing more than to see this cycle perpetuate itself.
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