Sent Email Asking Father-In-Law for Help: Have Regrets

Date: Fri, 10/24/2008 - 08:21

Submitted by djndesign
on Fri, 10/24/2008 - 08:21

Posts: 8 Credits: [Donate]

Total Replies: 19

I sent an email last night that might come back to haunt me. In the past my Father in law has helped us tremendously when we were in debt. Unfortunately we have not learned our lesson, and have fallen again. We are desperate and have tried everything. My wife gets really nervous because she feels that her Father is dissapointed when we have asked him before. But he has always helped, and he is approaching millionaire status. Not to mention he is almost 80 years old.

Me and him are also close, and talk a lot about sports and things.

Here is the email I sent:

I am writing this letter to you in confidence that you will keep this conversation between you and I. If this causes any hard feelings between us I am sorry;. I had to at least make an attempt. I have the utmost respect for you, and you could consider this a great complement that I would take a huge chance and indulge this information to you, risking a tremendous amount of backlash from (Wife's name). Please reply to my email address for all responses

I believe in the past you have helped us out with our credit card situation several times. I can recall at least two times and perhaps there was a 3rd time before I met (Wife's name). I first want to say thank you so very much for assisting us during those times. (Wife's name) absolutely hates to talk to you about this. She gets so very nervous and is afraid you will be disappointed in her. If she finds out that I emailed you regarding this issue it could cause a major rift in our marriage.

The last few times you have asked (Wife's name) how bad our debt is she has given you a number below what the truth was. I think there have been times where she told you we were in $15,000 or $20,000 in debt and the truth was more like $25,000 to $30,000. Whatever the case may be, as it stands right now, we are currently $47,000 in debt. This includes car loans, which most people do not count as part of their debt. I believe the reason that we have not been able to escape this debt is that we have begun to use credit cards to pay simple things like electricity bills, phone and food.

It is so hard these days. We have tried repeatedly to consolidate our credit cards but we cannot get a loan anymore because everything is so tight. No one will accept us at all. (Wife's name) wants to avoid bankruptcy and I don't blame her one bit. We have done a great job shielding our sons from this truth. But our own personal health has suffered. As a Father, the burden inevitably falls on my shoulders. Regardless of the fact that (Wife's name) works too, I am supposed to be the provider, and I have failed. I am currently making $42,000 a year and I guess it is just not enough.

To give you an idea, we currently pay $1,736 in debt (and auto payments) alone per month. Three of these debts charge 28.9% interest, and three more of them charge 22%. We pay bare minimums and even that is tough. As soon as a card is paid down enough we then turn around and use that card to get by. Sometimes we cut it too close and when the interest rate hits it pushes the card over the limit, and all those fees attack us. Make no mistake, we have been very frugal. We are not big spenders at all.

So, as I am sure you have guessed, I need your help. It absolutely pains me to ask you.

I am sure you are asking what type of assurances do you have as we have received help in the past only to fall down the same trap over again. Well, the best I can offer you is that once these debts are erased, I will take over all finances of (family's last name) family. I am not saying that (Wife's name) has not done a good job. However, I feel that it is time for a change, and I feel like with this fresh start we need a new pair of eyes to look at our finances. This will free up some money to put away and start saving for the future. In the past when you have helped us, we have said the words "never again" to ourselves. But back then, was nothing like it is now. The higher food and gas prices have put even more pressure on us, and it is just a matter of time before making a rent payment may be difficult. I think it is safe to say we have learned our lesson this time, in a big way.

If you decide to not help us, I will understand. After all, your generosity has been tremendous and you have done more than enough in the past.

If you do decide to help us, (Wife's name) can't ever know that I asked for your help. Someday she may know I asked, but not right now. The last thing I want to do is ask for help and then tell you how to give it to us, but please remember, the delivery of this help from you is crucial to the relationship between (Wife's name) and I.

Upon choosing this path, here is my idea:

We can say that one night you decided to call to talk to me about the World Series. (Wife's name) was not home and we got on the subject of the economy. You then asked how we were doing, and I said times are tough. You asked how tough, then I gave you full disclosure. We can talk about this the next time we see you if you want in November. But be warned, (Wife's name) will say we are only $20k in debt when the truth is much worse. This is why my plan is full proof. You called me one night to chat, asked me about how we are doing, and I disclosed to you the whole amount of $47k.

Another thing I want to say is that I am not looking for a handout. So what I want to do is offer payments to you for whatever you feel is acceptable.

Finally, I just want to say this is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. Going to a Father is one thing, but asking a Father-In-Law is something different. However, what made it easier is the relationship that you and I have had over the years. I know you are not my Father, but I certainly look up to you like one. I sent this letter with one thing in mind; the future of my children.

With Love,
(My Name)

I have asked my wife before and she said she did not want to go this route.

Did I handle this wrong? Or am I just asking for help, doing the best for my kids and I?

I probably would have done the same thing. I thought it was well

I probably would have done the same thing. I thought it was well written. But, instead of you taking over the family finances, how about you both sit down together and do it. That is one thing that hurt my marriage. Hubby wanted spending money so I would set aside a bill so he wouldn't get mad because there wasn't anything extra. So now after the payday loan mess we were in, we BOTH sit down on payday and then he knows where the money is going and how much is left. Then we do the budget for the next week so when payday hits he has an idea of what is going on. This way the two of you cannot blame the one in charge. If something goes wrong or is starting to go wrong you both will know and you both will be to blame. It does take the stress off of just 1 person. Things here are much better, because we have a game plan now that we both agree to. We know it will be tight for a while but then the rewards of our effort will be seen in a short time.

Good luck and I wish you well. Please let us know how it turns out for you.

P.S. get rid of some of the credit cards as soon as they are paid. Keep one, maybe 2 with a smaller limit and interest and put them away for an emergency. Do not carry them with you at all times. It is too easy to pull them out and use them.