Need A Little Encouragement...
Date: Wed, 03/18/2009 - 19:41
Over the years my husband and I have never really communicated about bills/debt, which is what led to these problems in the first place. I would try to work on paying things myself rather than share the load with him, because he does not handle conflict well. This past weekend, we sat down and hashed everything out, the good and the bad and came up with a plan. Several times since then he has said "we'll get through this, we'll work it out". I have apologized umpteen times and he keeps saying it is OK. I feel like such a loser as it is and feel like everything is my fault, even though he is a HUGE spender. I have actually slept all night for the past few nights and didn't wake with my heart pounding in my chest, or wake from a nightmare about debt!
Today, out of the blue, he gets on a rampage, selling anything and everything-even sentimental/heirloom items. I understand that it might take this kind of mindset to get out of debt and I am on board with trying to sell unneeded/unnecessary items, but I think selling things you cannot replace is a last resort, especially when some of these items are gifts from our children and other family members. In addition, he is now barely speaking to me.
Has anyone else been through this with a spouse and how did you handle it? BTW-our debt/bills are not a result of my overspending-I go months between haircuts, shop Goodwill for the few clothes I get, etc.-rather it is a result of HIS overspending and my trying to compensate for the lack of funds by shuffling other bills and getting behind.
Any support/encouragement is appreciated. If you only want to bash me, please keep it to yourself. I feel like I am dangling on the end of my rope as it is.
Thanks.
I know what you mean! I actually don't even know how I got into
I know what you mean! I actually don't even know how I got into my pdl mess. I told my boyfriend of 2 years 3 weeks ago and he was very supportive but at the same time he said he wouldn't bail me out.
Yesterday, I had a bad day dealing with my pdl debt and was crying and he said that he couldn't be around me cause he had a bad day and didn't want to hear it. And he said that I was the solid one and he can't take it when I am struggling. I know where your coming and just remember, this too shall pass.
Also, someones signature on this site says 'problems don't last forever.' Just remember that when he is having a bad day
Quote:our debt/bills are not a result of my overspending-I go mo
Quote:
our debt/bills are not a result of my overspending-I go months between haircuts, shop Goodwill for the few clothes I get, etc.-rather it is a result of HIS overspending and my trying to compensate for the lack of funds by shuffling other bills and getting behind. |
I soooo know how you feel with this statement. I haven't had a haircut in years. But he goes every couple months. Plus I shop at goodwill also, we try for him for jeans but they never have his size :x But with my hubby working 2 full-time jobs, when he wants to spend a little extra for something I have to let him or he will start in saying that he works 2 full-time jobs and he should get some money. We just went through this over the weekend. We got a small bonus at work, but his paycheck was a little short due to being slow at work. So he wanted something and I told him no, there isn't anything in the checking account. He got all pissy at me saying that he got his bonus and where was it. I then laid into him saying that all the money I got for christmas was used to pay down "HIS" storefront payday loan and "MY" bonus was used to pay bills, then I asked him when do "I" get extra money to spend. He told me my extra money goes to pay for internet :shock: (cable is one of the bills "I" pay, mainly because of the internet) So I got him where it hurts lol. I cancelled his movie and sports channels :lol: Told him to give me extra money to pay for them, I am only paying for basic cable and internet :lol: He didn't talk to me the rest of the day lol.
So just hang in there. you will get through this. You will have some very hard days ahead of you. But keep in mind that there are better, less stressfull days ahead when all of this is done. Some how you will have to show him how his spending is hurting the budget. (I am starting this myself) I am taking a notebook and writting down where all the money is spent everyday. Even if it is just a buck or 2 and what it was used for, and who spent it. It is almost like a daily money log. This way when hubby goes on another rampage I will whip out the book and say here look for yourself :shock:
Stay strong!!! When you have a bad day feel free to come on here and vent. We have some pretty big shoulders and ears here for ya when you need them :hug:
I have been there too and it was when I first got payday loans.
I have been there too and it was when I first got payday loans.
He spent a lot at the bar. He would run a tab all week and then cash his paycheck there and come home with half his paycheck.
I actually made more money at but not enough to pay all the bills. With both of our checks we could have made it with no problems but I could not get it through his head that he had to stop going to the bar or at least only go on Fridays or something.
When we got low on cash I got a payday loan and the cycle started.
That was many years ago and we are divorced now. I still speak to him at least once a week and he is always crying how he has no money and has disconnection notices left and right. You guessed it, he still goes to the bar everyday and most times stops at two bars.
If you ask me he might be more angry at himself for over spending and forcing you to hide things on the side with the payday loans to be able to make it though.
My ex was like yours. He never got invloved with the bills but was sure there to point fingers when checks bounced. At one point I handed them all to him and said then YOU do it. That did not even last a month.
Hopefully with you two talking and getting it all out you will continue that trend. It takes TWO to make the bills it really need TWO to discuss them and know exactly what is coming out of the household budget.
puddlejmpr has a good suggetion of writing everything down. After a week or a month you can see where the money is going and who is spending it and on what.
Good Luck!
I really know how you feel. In fact, I looked at it twice to se
I really know how you feel. In fact, I looked at it twice to see if maybe I'd written this and forgotten. LOL.
Anyway, you will get through this. In 2004 i had several store front loans and fessed up when our mortgage bounced. It was so hard. It went better then I thought it would be, but it was so hard. He blamed me, but stated that we'd get through this together and we did. I went several years without another payday loan. However, I started on internet payday loans the last couple of years. He does not know. I cant' tell him I did it again. The living with a lie is the hardest thing in the world. It tears me apart. I hate being a lier. You did good by telling him. It took alot of courage. However, I can not tell him I did it again. The finger pointing would be too much to handle. Keep us updated how everything goes for you.
I just wanted to thank those that replied with encouraging words
I just wanted to thank those that replied with encouraging words. I read them this morning before leaving to go put in applications for a 2nd job (I work for a school system and this is Spring Break). I sat there and cried because I just needed a kind word.
Today was much of the same-he works nights but every day on his way to work he calls and says what is our smallest bill, what can we pay off. I understand that he is stressed and that some of this is new info. for him, but the stress of being micromanaged, even down to what we eat for dinner is driving me crazy. Yesterday he left pissed off and wouldn't take what I had fixed him for dinner, then when he called last night, he was telling me that although he went out to eat last night he ate the cheapest thing on the menu. This is why over the years I have tried to "fix" things myself-he cannot handle stress and goes overboard trying to get everything paid at once-no matter what.
Anyway-I'm not sure how this all will play out. We have been married a long time (22 years) and have struggled on and off in our marriage. We also have two children-17 and 20-who are caught in the middle of his mood right now. He doesn't even want me to give the 17 year old money for gas, eating, etc. but wants her to get by completely on what little she makes. Usually she does, but every once in awhile I have to give her something for gas, school trips, etc.
I think the hardest thing is that I feel so guilty all the time, and he feeds on this and makes it worse. Yesterday, he sold a few things of his and was so pissed about it, even though I begged him not to do it. I don't really have anything big that I own-short of our furniture that belongs to the family- and selling it seems ridiculous. I have a few antique pieces that were left to me when my father died-but he can piss and moan all he wants-I will not sell them. I don't spend money on myself and don't buy "things". The fact is, though, that there are literally THOUSANDS of dollars in tools, machinery, etc. in our basement. He is a machinist and can buy tools from work and the payments are taken out of his check. He has worked there for almost 6 years and there have probably been only 2 or 3 months that $50 every two weeks wasn't out of his check for tools, etc. He doesn't see this, though and feels it is his "right" to buy what he wants and that it's my fault if we can't pay everything.
Something else that is a concern and I realize it is valid-he has a security clearance and has told me repeatedly he "doesn't know what will happen" if our debt messes this up. I'm not sure what this means, but I guess it means it will be over for us. From what I have read, as long as we can show we are being proactive and working on paying this off, we will be OK. The sad thing is, in the whole scheme of things and compared to many others, we don't owe all that much.
Thanks again for the encouragement and I'll keep you posted.
I am sorry to hear the way things are going for you. He sounds j
I am sorry to hear the way things are going for you. He sounds just like my dad used to be. He used to leave without lunch when he was pissed at my mom. Please be careful when he is in one of those moods. Plus your daughter is under 18 so he is still responsible for her. She should not have to pay for everything herself if she is still going to school. But, this could be a real life lesson for her. I am sure she has a good head on her shoulders and will learn from your experience.
As for him asking everyday what the bills are, I have a notebook (again with the notebooks :roll: lol ) marked bills. I have EVERY bill that we have in there, with the balance and the due date. When one gets paid in full I use a highlighter and cross it off and mark paid across it. This way when hubby wants to see what bills are due when he can just grab the book and look for himself. So with that along with the other book he can compare the books and see for sure that i am making all the payments.
The sad part is when I did our taxes I almost passed out when I saw how much we brought in last year and wondered why we still have all of these bills. :shock: But with all of my hard work and almost 3 years we are just a few months away from being payday loan free :D It been a LONG 3 years!!! You will get there also!!!
I am not sure about the security thing. I didn't think a financial situation had anything to do with that. I thought it had to do with criminal stuff. We had to go through a background/security check to work for the company we work for, and our financial mess didn't matter. But I guess it all depends on what kind of business it is.
Hang in there!!!
I am also sorry for what you are going through right now. My dad
I am also sorry for what you are going through right now. My dad was one that did not handle the stress of bills either. He also was always buying tools etc but would freak because a bill was late but at the same time didn't want to be involved.
It is hard sometimes to know what to do in that situation.
The only time I have ever had my finances come into play at my job was when I was checked for a project that we have with the goverment. I had filed bankruptcy a few years before the project and since bankruptcy is federeal it came back on my record.
Other than that I don't see where your personal finances should effect his job.
i cannot offer much advice but am sorry you are in a tough spot
i cannot offer much advice but am sorry you are in a tough spot :(
if it were me, i'd give his tough approach, right back to him. but i know that's not always possible.
hang in there, i was in a kinda similar situation once and i realized that if it is not my over-spending, than i will not worry about digging out of the debt it causes.. just a thought.
Hello All, Just wanted to post an update. Today I feel like
Hello All,
Just wanted to post an update. Today I feel like I could just give it all up. We had a really good weekend-it was our anniversary and we actually went out to eat and had a good time. Yesterday we had family stuff for Easter and took a drive afterwards. I took today off from work for us to spend a little time together and it all went to hell.
While he was sleeping this morning (he works nights) I left to go pay bills. He woke and asked where I was going-I said to pay the electric and other bills. I was gone for maybe an hour and 20 minutes and he called wanting to know where I was (it takes 20 minutes just to get to town). I tried to tell him where I had been and he lost it saying he didn't know when I was lying to him. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am trying to keep everything paid and keep up, but I really feel like giving up. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know what I would do.
I don't know if we'll get through this or not-we're actually worse off (financially and otherwise) since we started trying to work together on our bills because I have no way to juggle them-they either get paid or they don't and if they don't it's my fault. I realize that it will take time to regain his trust, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I have forgiven so much over the years, but he seems to have forgotten this. I totally blame myself for this situation-and I know that I will have to regain trust, but the stress is literally making me sick.
I just do not know where to turn-everything seems pretty bleak right now. If anyone has any words of wisdom that I can use to try to get through to him, please let me know.
I knew from the beginning this would take time, but I just don't know if I can take it.
I know you have sat down with him before but maybe it is time to
I know you have sat down with him before but maybe it is time to do it again.
Tell him what you are telling us. Let him know that you are frustrated and upset. I can tell he does not appear reasonable though.
I wish I had more word of wisdom for you. I have been in relationships were I was not trusted and for no reason and I know how frustrating that can be.
I have gotten hardened in my years and if it was me I would tell him to put up or shut up. Either he gets over himself and starts to help or back off. But that is me.
i am sorry things are not working out too well for you. :(
i am sorry things are not working out too well for you. :(
We all make mistakes and it takes a big person to fess up to it.
We all make mistakes and it takes a big person to fess up to it. For him to say he doesn't know when you're lying anymore, just because you were gone for a little over an hour paying bills.. It's a little strange. Maybe there's a little more to what's really bothering him?
I have a friend that always reminds me: HIT DOG HOLLERS. In other words, maybe he's done something he feels bad about, so he's taking it out on you to take the pressure off himself...?
Quote:Originally Posted by AnonymousI realize I am opening mysel
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous I realize I am opening myself up for ridicule/criticism here, but I feel the need for a little moral support. After months of struggling on my own with payday loan debt coupled with our regular debt, I finally came "clean" with my husband and laid it all on the line. Even though over the past several months I have paid off many small debts, including several payday loans, we still owe many bills. All of my remaining payday loans (5 storefront and 3 internet) are on payment plans, several with only one payment left. Over the years my husband and I have never really communicated about bills/debt, which is what led to these problems in the first place. I would try to work on paying things myself rather than share the load with him, because he does not handle conflict well. This past weekend, we sat down and hashed everything out, the good and the bad and came up with a plan. Several times since then he has said "we'll get through this, we'll work it out". I have apologized umpteen times and he keeps saying it is OK. I feel like such a loser as it is and feel like everything is my fault, even though he is a HUGE spender. I have actually slept all night for the past few nights and didn't wake with my heart pounding in my chest, or wake from a nightmare about debt! Today, out of the blue, he gets on a rampage, selling anything and everything-even sentimental/heirloom items. I understand that it might take this kind of mindset to get out of debt and I am on board with trying to sell unneeded/unnecessary items, but I think selling things you cannot replace is a last resort, especially when some of these items are gifts from our children and other family members. In addition, he is now barely speaking to me. Has anyone else been through this with a spouse and how did you handle it? BTW-our debt/bills are not a result of my overspending-I go months between haircuts, shop Goodwill for the few clothes I get, etc.-rather it is a result of HIS overspending and my trying to compensate for the lack of funds by shuffling other bills and getting behind. Any support/encouragement is appreciated. If you only want to bash me, please keep it to yourself. I feel like I am dangling on the end of my rope as it is. Thanks. |
OMG i was in totally the same situation! my husband was a big spender since we got married and I got incharge of all the bills and payments including his student debts to make sure nothing went wrong. but unfortunately, things started to complicate since he used to make purchases online without asking me about the balance we had, well that was causing overdrafts, then it lead to me getting loans and not be able to pay them back! I now have 9 out there and are currently being paid but after a big conversation with my husband and telling him how everything happened, I couldn't sleep, eat or enjoy my day. Now he kind of understands since he told me its was ok, that he was going to help me out turns out that he know doesn;t allow me to use HIS phone because he pays for it, and he thinks the money that he gets left over from his job, its all his and he can spend it online!! well we now don't talk much and he is frustrated because now we're in the worst situation ever, but at least I'm getting payments done and I'm not scared or shy to tell him what's going on. I asked him not to mess with my money since it all goes to payments. He can't refuse to the idea of not spending no more!!!! I lied to him yes i understand but I didn;t want to cause him to worry and focus on school but I apologized already and he said he did forgave me, but we're not making progress as to our relationship and its all because of money. My advice is to just continue to talk to him, ask him questions, and ask him to listen to you. that is what I'm doing right now, and hope it works! I do too shop at Thrift stores and got months without hair cuts, nails, buying clothes etc. just because he spends it on his own! I totally understand what you're going through!! since he has his own bank, he pays for daycare and HIS cell. I did it this wa because I want him to face reality for a little. He has to go in person and pay the daycare and phone, then leave money to eat and feed us for two weeks while he gets his other check! is we ran out of food, I'll tell him why! haha! I'm learning! good luck and I wish you the best!
my email is:if you need to talk to someone!
Quote:Originally Posted by AnonymousHello All, Just wanted to
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous Hello All, Just wanted to post an update. Today I feel like I could just give it all up. We had a really good weekend-it was our anniversary and we actually went out to eat and had a good time. Yesterday we had family stuff for Easter and took a drive afterwards. I took today off from work for us to spend a little time together and it all went to hell. While he was sleeping this morning (he works nights) I left to go pay bills. He woke and asked where I was going-I said to pay the electric and other bills. I was gone for maybe an hour and 20 minutes and he called wanting to know where I was (it takes 20 minutes just to get to town). I tried to tell him where I had been and he lost it saying he didn't know when I was lying to him. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am trying to keep everything paid and keep up, but I really feel like giving up. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know what I would do. I don't know if we'll get through this or not-we're actually worse off (financially and otherwise) since we started trying to work together on our bills because I have no way to juggle them-they either get paid or they don't and if they don't it's my fault. I realize that it will take time to regain his trust, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I have forgiven so much over the years, but he seems to have forgotten this. I totally blame myself for this situation-and I know that I will have to regain trust, but the stress is literally making me sick. I just do not know where to turn-everything seems pretty bleak right now. If anyone has any words of wisdom that I can use to try to get through to him, please let me know. I knew from the beginning this would take time, but I just don't know if I can take it. |
My husband is having a hard time trusting me again since I didnt' tell him about what was going on with our finances, he now gets mad if I take too long at the store and since I work on the weekends( to pay my loans) he is getting jelous and wants me back by a specific time, I jsut ignore him and ask hi to buy me a cell phone then since I can;t afford one. The reason I stay quite and don;t run away from this situation is because of my baby boy, I don't want hi to hear us fight at all and if i leave him, he'll have no where else to go or live since he earns less than i do, we only have one car and all this things make it difficult. I hope he'll change for good this time, since our finances are separately now. I recommend you to talk when the kids are not home and calmly, telling him exactly how you feel and if he don't understand well its his problem, you are doing your part and he's not copperating. As long as he doesn't abuse you, everything is fine, my husband is not abusive and is totally against abuse, all he does is talk loud and i don't like that, so as long as he doen't abuse me, we can talk all we want when the kid is not around! don;t give up. You sound like a calm person like me and I noticed that when I confront him with a deep voice defending myself, he backs away and agrees with me in our conversation. I wish you the best, don't give up!
Wow this sounds like my life!!!! I am going though the same exa
Wow this sounds like my life!!!! I am going though the same exact thing and think there are many of us out there that r living hiding this horror from our spouses! Mine was not deliberate...it just happened! Trying to cover bills after losing my job its just a viscious cycle your not alone! Anyone want to talk or share let me know!
Quote:Originally Posted by ballplayersmomWow this sounds like my
Quote:
Originally Posted by ballplayersmom Wow this sounds like my life!!!! I am going though the same exact thing and think there are many of us out there that r living hiding this horror from our spouses! Mine was not deliberate...it just happened! Trying to cover bills after losing my job its just a viscious cycle your not alone! Anyone want to talk or share let me know! |
I've been there, done that, no more thank goodness!
Quote:Originally Posted by ballplayersmomWow this sounds like my
Quote:
Originally Posted by ballplayersmom Wow this sounds like my life!!!! I am going though the same exact thing and think there are many of us out there that r living hiding this horror from our spouses! Mine was not deliberate...it just happened! Trying to cover bills after losing my job its just a viscious cycle your not alone! Anyone want to talk or share let me know! |
yeah, that's why I love this forum, every one seems to be on the same page or similar. Well I know its wrong for me to separate my finances with my husband but I can't seem to get through his head to stop thinking about himself for one week! I don't know what it is but I can't step up to him that well without a fight and I don't like fighting! I'm not a fighter! he talks loud and gets mad but doesn't hurt me physically only emotionally and I was thinking about it yesterday and that where it all comes to. I'm scared of his reaction for some reason! That is why I hide the PDL mess from him, I don't want him to get upset and start worrying about the situation because I want peace in my home. Last weekend he bought a $300 dollar rockband drum set.!! with my money from the weekend part time job! I felt so upset and went out and cry. I cannot buy anything for myself because I have nothing left for myself, but I told him he better pay me back because I needed that money for loan payments! He just doesn't get it, I'm glad there's people here with the same situation as me! thanks!
I love this forum too for that reason as well!!! My husband is
I love this forum too for that reason as well!!! My husband is the same way and that is why I have to hide this from him. He would be so angry and although has never been violant Im not sure what he would do!!! I stumbled upon this forum a month ago in desperation and although am nowhere near peace I have found some comfort that I am not alone!!! I thought for the longest time that noone was in this situation and that noone could be as stupid as me to take out PDL's, but I have come to realize that for whatever reason we all needed some help and we were just taken advantage of! Borrowing 300 and paying pack 1000's isnt good for someone who needed financial assistance...it justs puts us further and further behind! So I am glad I have found this site!!!
Quote:Originally Posted by ballplayersmomWow this sounds like my
Quote:
Originally Posted by ballplayersmom Wow this sounds like my life!!!! I am going though the same exact thing and think there are many of us out there that r living hiding this horror from our spouses! Mine was not deliberate...it just happened! Trying to cover bills after losing my job its just a viscious cycle your not alone! Anyone want to talk or share let me know! |
This is my life also. I am hiding the fact that I have 7 internet loans and 2 storefront loans out. I am silently working of digging out. I have gotten a lot of encouragement and strength by just reading Debt Consolidation Forum. It is nice to know that I am not the only one in this mess.
Me too! Until today I thought I had 10 left because I was afrai
Me too! Until today I thought I had 10 left because I was afraid to write everything down but I have 14. OMG!!!!!! All internet and I am silently fighting this battle too!
Quote:Originally Posted by ballplayersmomMe too! Until today I t
Quote:
Originally Posted by ballplayersmom Me too! Until today I thought I had 10 left because I was afraid to write everything down but I have 14. OMG!!!!!! All internet and I am silently fighting this battle too! |
All I can say is talk it out! no matter what happens, release that fear and talk about it with your spouse or whoever you trust! fear and worry are the worst feeling I've ever felt! I was tired of feeling like this that is why I talked about it wth my husband, now I'm just dealing with the consequences, but don't ever feel bad for what you did. you did it becasue you had your reasons period! no one has the right to judge you! yes there are consequences but that is part of it and everybody goes through though situations, I'm learning and becoming stronger by reading this site and praying alot and asking for guidance, he was the one that asked me to say the truth in order for him to help me move on and solve the issue! Thank God I found this website that gives support and lots of info! God bless you and all the people in this forum!