how to explain to the kids?

I have been a single parent for 18 years. I think what you tell the kids depends on how old they are and how able they are to understand what is going on. When my kids were under the age of 13 I didn't tell them anything..I didn't let them see me cry or be upset about the bills. I didn't want to scare them or take their security away. After the age of 13 I sat them down...I said "this is how the world works"..and I laid out the bills. This is what we pay for rent, electric, etc. And I showed them how much I made and what we had left. I taught them to save for what was important (even if I couldn't). When I had to take a second job I gave them responsibilities in the house..."I will work extra to pay for the things we want and you will help by doing extra chores". My kids were great and rarely complained. They grew up very self suffiencient and I am proud to say, so far without the financial mistakes I made. I think if you are honest with your children it can be a learning lesson for them also.

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I would suggest sitting your kids down (depending on their age and understanding of the situation, of course) and explain to them that Mom and Dad are HUMAN - and as such, they make mistakes, like everyone does. Tell them you have made mistakes, but you are trying to correct them now - and that the phone calls and bills coming in are all going to be part of that corrective process. It will take time - all good things do - but as you go along, explain everything to your kids so they understand the dangers of being overextended and in debt - and that they must take responsibility for their own actions. By doing so, you will raise financially aware, responsible adults.

I think that how you have handled your situation with your children are great. I wish my parents would have sat us down when we were younger to explain the money situation.

My sister has done a wonderful job in raising her 13 year old son as he understands that she can't afford to always buy him what he wants and that any money he needs for any toys he has to work and save for it.

What you did with your children was to show them the correct way to be financially responsible.

ladybug

I feel all over your frustration here. I've had several talks with my son about no money and over the years I think he is used to it. It does however break my heart and I always try to get him something WHEN I can. We have date nite once a month- movie, or out to eat. He's happy with that and I try to spend as much time as I can with him.

I do screen my calls as well and I know he knows if a CA calls. I call them when he's not around and it does make it easier because I dont have to answer questions but I do understand where you are coming from. Keep your chin up everyone.

My son knows that it's tough paying bills with no child support. My goal is to get into my first home within the next 2 years and all my bills are going to be paid slowly and I've pretty much told him let me worry about the financial things. I never try to hide things but I think what he dont know about my finances wont hurt him- he always has food and a place to sleep/clothes. Right now those things are first priority.

I'm a single mom, too. My son is 14....wonderful boy!! His dad doesn't contribute much......mostly nothing at all. What I do?......well....sometimes I WILL put bills off to buy my son what he NEEDS, not neccessarily what he WANTS. I DO pay the bills the month they are do, however, I may put hem off, until the next week (something like that) to get my son what he needs. USUALLY...if I son wants something new ( toy, etc), he will do some chores to work for it, OR, wait until the holdays to get things. Also..I gotta say........making some extra income, with this forum, REALLY helps. In my opionion, getting kids everything that they WANT, isn't really teaching them any thing. I've heard so many parents say, " my child has everything they want." Well...if that's true, then they have nothing to look 'forward to'. Hope this advice helps.

exactly- my son earns his toys/rewards by doing chores around the place and mowing the yard.....

We went with the avoiding the issue for awhile. When they asked for something we would just say sorry don't have the money for that. Then I got a call from my son's teacher one day. She asked if there was anything she could do to help us, seeing that we were so poor. This stemmed from my son tearing up his 5th pair of smeakers in less than 2 months. I got mad and told him he would just have to wear the torn up ones because I could not afford to keep buying him shoes. My thinking was if he just had to wear them for 1 week maybe he would take care of the next pair better. Here I was trying to save up for his birthday present and I had to keep buying him shoes. After the call from the teacher we sat the kids down and said that yes there are times when we are broke but that we aren't poor. We explained the whole situation to them and they suprisingly were very understanding. Sometimes I think I underestimate my kids.

There are some very wise people and sage advice. I admire you all. I believe in telling the truth to my son..but only what is age appropriate. You as the parent know your child best and can determine what they are ready to hear and/or know. I think sometimes we focus so much on doing harm and scarring our kids for life, we forget that we make mistakes, are human and that is also an important lesson to teach our kids. They learn through our words and our actions.

It is really hard telling kids, no matter what their age, about not having money for things. My kids have seen us struggle many times and we have been as honest with them as we can, without letting them know all the details per say. They know that we do not make a lot of money and that there are times when we are short due to not enough hours, illness, emergencies, job loss, etc. We have told them that sometimes life throws us curve balls and that things happen that are beyond our control and sometimes we have to do without in order to keep ourselves going. Many times we have had to tell the kids NO on things because we just have not had the money and we have told them, "Mom and Dad just do not have it right now. Not that we wouldn't like to get it for you, but there are things we have to take care of right now". Kids are pretty understanding. I remember one Christmas I felt so cheap because 90% of their stuff came from the dollar store and thrift stores, but you know what...they were just as excited. It didn't matter how much it cost. It is ok though, to let the kids know that sometimes life gets a little hard. It isn't going to make them love you any less. Trust me on this. Been there alone (when I was single with the 2 kids) and have been going through this now that they are older. My son even sneaks out and buys groceries or sneaks gas in my car when he gets paid. My daughter likes to treat us to dinner, (usually Micky D's) or just a milkshake when gets paid from babysitting. Just always remind your kids how much you love them!

I don't like how I have made my children feel that "life has thrown us curveballs." I feel I am setting them up to blame the world for problems. The things that have happened to us that set us back are things that happen in life to everyone in varying degrees and incidents, with money or no money. Job losses, illness and death, car problems, things that need repair in the house are facts of life. The fact that managing money has not been our forte has never been brought up to our children. Only that we have been victims of bad luck. They have been brought up to believe that for every gain made, some type of "disaster" happens to ruin it all. I am going to change the way I talk to my children about finances. I hate how I have always justified my finacial problems to everyone from the neighbor, to the plumber who's check I bounced to bad luck. It sucks! Trying to get our of a rut is bad enough, it never, never seems to end. I hate it!!!